Resolutions

Instead of making new year's resolutions for myself I thought I'd once again make some helpful resolutions for other people.

Neighbors: Get rid of that new barking dog, the leaf blower and the car alarm. And tone down the American flag decor while you're at it.

Screenwriters Guild members: Hurry up and settle the strike (but be sure to get everything you're asking for). Did you hear the networks are planning a new reality show called "Falling Down with the Stars"?

Presidential Candidates: Watch your backs. You've been campaigning so long already that I'm afraid that some new, more interesting candidate will show up and walk away with the prize. Probably someone who won "Falling Down with the Stars."

Happy New Year everyone! What resolutions would YOU make for other people?

Looking back at 2007

I can explain ... or maybe I can't. These posts seemed to make sense at the time.

Help me learn to pronounce ...

Good friends are like old socks.

When I got home last night I found Jeremy in our pantry ...

Did I mention it was BROKEN?

I was not on vacation.

Twice in my life I've accepted rides to my hotel from men I met on the plane.

I don't bet "exotics" ...

... her job in life was "to be purely decorative"

Sightings

Dec. 24th, 2:33 p.m. -- Congressman John Yarmuth (D-KY) at my favorite wine and liquor store, Party Mart on Brownsboro Road. He was buying wine, but I couldn't tell what kind it was.

Dec. 23rd, 3:03 p.m. -- Republican Leader Senator Mitch McConnell (R-KY) and his spouse Secretary of Labor Elaine Chao chatting with Louisville Mayor Jerry Abramson (D) at Baxter Avenue Theatres. They were going in to see Charlie Wilson's War.

New traditions

We decided NOT to pout and go with the flow this year and it worked out beautifully.

- No live tree. Tinsel is the way to go.
- We went to the movies and had Chinese food on Sunday instead of Christmas Day.
- We had bagels, lox and potato latkes on Christmas morning.
- Naps, leftovers and the entire Godfather saga on TV rounded out the day.

Remembering Moe

Moe (aka "Moefus") was euthanized at the Cherokee Animal Clinic on December 20, 2007. She was 18 years old at the time of her death.

Born under an abandoned house on Jackson Street in Louisville circa Derby Day 1989, she was a free spirit, an adventurer and an entertainer. She was adopted by her human family a few days after a little girl said, "I dreamed I had a kitten named Moe."

Despite her small size (she never weighed more than six pounds in her entire life) Moe was a fearless hunter of birds and small mammals, spending long summer days in the woods behind her house on Ewing Avenue in the company of racoons, groundhogs, snakes and squirrels. She disliked dogs.

She once took an unannounced 10-day journey on foot from Crescent Hill to the Highlands and back, causing severe distress in her human family and the posting of numerous "LOST CAT" flyers. When asked why she left she said, "Meow (just wanted to see if I could find our old house)." She lost two pounds and suffered sunburned ears as a result of the long trip. She never travelled that far from home again.

She loved ice cream, Purina Cat Chow, and in her later years, Fancy Feast (the chicken varieties). Although she told everyone that her job in life was "to be purely decorative," her many hobbies included shedding, sharpening her claws on antiques and napping. In the months before her death, she learned to sing (Opera) with a strong contralto voice and began wearing her fur in dreadlocks, saying "Why the hell not? I'm old, I can do whatever I want."

She asked that her death notice NOT include the words "went to live on a farm" and that expressions of sympathy go to the North American Songbird Preservation Society ("... to help replace the hundreds I've eaten in my lifetime.")

She leaves behind her loving human family and many, many friends.

All I want for Christmas

All I want for Christmas is peace on earth. Really. Don't you?

I know don't want another "thing" in my life. No sweaters. No socks. No new pajamas. And I have plenty of toys. Most of the time, Babycakes and I try to make a conscious effort to give experiences rather than things. This year we're not exchanging gifts. Besides, we just got a lovely new floor. And we're booked for a trip to Italy this fall.

So if you really, really have to get someone something for Christmas, here are some gift suggestions. Donate some cash to these worthy organizations:

The Center for Women and Families -- engages individuals and community in the elimination of domestic violence, sexual violence and economic hardship through service, education and advocacy. (This is the agency where Babycakes is a director. It's important work. Get out your checkbook.)

InKY Reading Series -- a monthly music and literature event held on the second Friday of the month at the Rudyard Kipling in Louisville, Kentucky. The reading series is a project of InKY, Inc., a 501(c)(3) tax-exempt nonprofit organization. (We love us some poetry, fiction and music. This is grassroots and damn, that's good.)

Appalshop -- a multi-disciplinary arts and education center in the heart of Appalachia producing original films, video, theater, music and spoken-word recordings, radio, photography, multimedia, and books. (I spent my formative years there, honing a craft that is yet to reveal itself.)

I guarantee that none of these gifts will ever end up in a landfill.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas

You Are a Tinsel Tree

For you, Christmas is no different than the rest of the year. And this means you do things your own way - and continue to surprise people.

What Christmas Tree Are You?

New floor is here

See the before and after photos.

I think I'll have a martini in his honor

Becky's father died this week and today was the funeral. I've known Becky for a long time and always loved being around her dad. He loved people, told the best jokes and made the best martinis. I'm sure that's why he lived to be 97 years old. Goodbye Jeep, thanks for making the world a better place.

Genius?

Lol Moe cat

The Offishul Lolcat Builder of I Can Has Cheezburger?

Buy Nothing Day

I'll be celebrating the day after Thanksgiving (Black Friday) by avoiding shopping. What will you do?

Bad backyard getting better

The new fence went in today. It's lovely, don't you think? Makes me happy just to look at it.

Check out the before and after backyard pictures.

A winning day

I spent yesterday at Churchill Downs with Becky (I did not take this picture) where we cashed tickets on EVERY SINGLE RACE.

Becky knows how to read a racing form and came prepared. Me? I just went down to the paddock and picked any horse that 1) was tall, 2) looked me in the eye, or 3) had a name I liked.

I don't bet a lot of money because I don't have a lot of money. But yesterday I was prepared to bet $8 on every race. My patterns was to make one bet "across the board" for $6 and $2 to win, place or show on a second horse. I don't bet "exotics" like daily doubles or exactas, but Becky does.

I cashed a ticket on every race. Every single one. I came home with about $30 more than I started with, even after paying for admission, a program and a bloody mary.

Best bet of the day: Creative Design paid $38 on my $6 across the board bet.

Fresh sap ... rising

"Suddenly you find at the age of fifty that a whole new life has opened before you as if a fresh sap of ideas and thoughts was rising in you." (Agatha Christie 1891-1976)

Happy birthday to me (yesterday).

Vote!

Tomorrow is election day. Those of us in Kentucky are electing a governor and in Louisville we're approving a new tax to support our libraries. At least I HOPE we are approving the library tax -- I can't imagine why anyone would vote against it.

So you should vote. Yes, you. It'll be good practice for next year's presidential election.

Birthday season has begun

I usually don't celebrate a birthDAY, for me it is a birthday SEASON.

This year the season began with Babycakes bringing home a case of wine (okay, so that's more of a present for all of YOU who will be expected to visit during the season).

Then Kelly gave me this wonderful jewelry she made.

Today we had brunch at Wild Eggs then headed over to Whole Foods to order our free-range turkey for Thanksgiving. I found a lovely scarf (and Babycakes bought it for me).

This afternoon I'm shopping for new socks and underwear. Any activity is instantly festive and birthday season-y if you try hard enough.

And the Martini Slut party will be on Nov. 10. Y'all come!

Halloween recap

We "served" about 500 trick-or-treaters this Halloween although the count is never accurate because Babycakes always gives out more than one piece of candy per child. I am much more stingy.

By the end of the night I was offering two pieces to anyone who would sing. The best performance was by three eight-year-olds who sang a very loud version of "Happy Birthday." Adorable.

"Princess" seems to be the most popular costume, but only for girls. Some princesses had wings, so they became "Angel Princess" and the older girls favored "Dead Princess."

"Pirate" was a very popular choice for boys and girls and for all ages. Some of the homemade pirate costumes were quite good. I give full credit to Johnny Depp for making piracy cool again.

There were plenty of superheros (mostly boys) wearing store-bought costumes with built-in muscles. It's odd to see a three-year-old muscular Spiderman. Lots of store-bought ghoul costumes and masks too, but I also counted a number of kids with very, very well-done makeup.

Most embarrassing moment: When we told someone he looked a little old to be trick-or-treating and the child with him said "He's autistic." Ouch.

Ruffing with the majors

I'm taking Bridge lessons on Wednesday nights from 7 to 9. It's hard. Really hard. Most of the time we listen to lectures.

Our Bridge teacher said, "I'll diagram this on the board for you so you'll understand," to which the class replied, "No, we won't. Don't bother."


"Oh, come on," teacher persists. "East leads with the 10 D because it's the fourth in his longest and strongest and challenger ruffs it with a low trump so that later he can get back to the board to develop clubs. If he doesn't develop clubs now everyone knows he'll go down by three."

No one (at least in our class) "knows he'll go down by three." We understand the basics but that's about it. Most of us are still trying to figure out how to use the bid boxes.

When we finally get to play a hand the teacher roams around the room barking, "No! That bid is wrong! You haven't counted your quick tricks, have you?"

"Umm, no. But you said if we had 13 high card points, no doubletons and a four card suit we should ..."

"MAJORS! I said that only counts if you're playing in the majors!" shrieks teacher.

No wonder people drink when they play this game.

Manly competition

Most Kentuckians following the gubernatorial race between Ernie Fletcher and Steve Beshear are focusing on one or two things 1) getting rid of Fletcher (the first Republican governor we've elected in over 30 years) or 2) getting casino gambling (because when Churchill Downs built that big new addition a few years why else would they make it look like a casino?).

But last weekend's debate was about which candidate had the biggest testosterone level. To settle the score they reached into their pants and pulled out their hunting licenses.

Recently ...

Reading: A Million Little Pieces by James Frye and The Tipping Point by Malcolm Gladwell

Watching: Top Chef finale (yuck, ugh!); Dexter (yay!); Mad Men (best show on tv!)

Learning: Bridge (lesson #3 is this week)

Consumer consequences

It would take 5.2 planet Earths to sustain all of the people on earth if everyone consumed like me.

Try it yourself.

You probably don't want to travel with me

I read what traveler Dana "three pillows and a fan" McMahan wrote about what we should know about traveling with her so I started thinking about my own travels.

And while I don't have 20 countries under my belt like Dana, I have at least a thousand stories. And millions of memories.

- I know that I can sleep anywhere, like under the stars or under a school bus (in the rain). And on the floor in church basements and on lumpy couches. Once I slept on a fire escape in Manhattan.

- I must not be picky about my hotel accommodations either. I've stayed at a bright pink concrete block motel outside of Waco and in a 5-room cottage at the Ritz Carleton outside of Pasadena.

- Don't forget to ask me about the youth hostels, the dorm rooms, the retreat centers and the log cabins. I can tell you about the bathrooms that were outdoors or down the hall.

- I love to people-watch in train stations and bus stations. Airports? Not so much.

- I've logged about 1,000 hours on Greyhound buses. One time, on a bus in the middle of Iowa I sat next to a woman who I learned was born in the same small town in Kentucky where I'm from. She was coming from Maine and going to California and I was on my way to Canada. And I'd dated her youngest brother. And we met on a bus in the dead center of the U.S. What are the odds?

- I've hitchhiked through West Virginia and flown via first class to California. Church buses? Yes. Subways? Yes. Passenger trains? Yes. The Delta shuttle between DC and NYC? God yes. Hippy van? Far out man!

- I rode in the back seat of a VW beetle for eight hours on I-40 from Knoxville to Memphis. In August. Without air conditioning. With three other adults and a German shepherd named Max. It was a great trip.

- Twice in my life I've accepted rides to my hotel from men I met on the plane. And no, we haven't stayed in touch. It wasn't like that.

- I've suffered altitude sickness in the Arizona desert and sea sickness on Lake Michigan. You probably don't think that's possible, but it is.

- I like to eat the local cuisine. Usually, in the U.S., that's pizza. And coke. And maybe donuts.

What about your own travel? Do tell.

Rabbit, rabbit

From Wikipedia:

“Rabbit rabbit white rabbit” is a common superstition, held particularly among children. The most common modern version states that a person should say “rabbit, rabbit, white rabbit” upon waking on the first day of each new month, and on doing so will receive good luck for the remainder of that month.

Who knew? Happy September.

Dinah Blair

This is my great-grandmother Dinah Day Blair.

Anticipating ...

Things I'm looking forward to:

- A trip to Charleston with Babycakes. It's been almost a year since we've been out of town (alone) together. I plan to eat crab at every meal.

- Hardwood floors. The floor guy can start work in October. This is the one house project that will make the biggest impact and I can't wait.

- Backyard fence. The design is selected, measurements have been taken, and the color is being debated. But it'll be done by winter. Again, this project will change everything in the backyard and I'm so glad it's finally time to do it.

The south is gonna sink again

I had to wait a few minutes before my haircut appointment this week. Imagine my delight when I found in the waiting area a copy of Garden & Gun magazine.

"Garden & Gun will attract men and women who live an adventure bound, art loving, skeet shooting lifestyle and who have a love affair with the South."

I glanced around to see just who these Southern art loving skeet shooters were. Mind you, this is a shop in the so-called "old Sears building" with a loyal clientele and a Russian manicurist who is so popular that a client has to die before you can get an appointment with her. I didn't see any guns. I guess we're just hard to spot.

Mary and Joseph and the baby

I've written before about our across-the-street neighbors. They are connected somehow to the Baptist Seminary down the street so we started calling them Mary and Joseph because we didn't know their names.

They are really good neighbors (yes, we know their real names now) if you can ignore the giant American flag hanging on the porch and the fact that their recycling bin is always free of wine bottles.

This week we found out that they're going to China to get a baby girl. We saw her picture and learned that they've named her Sophie Kate and that she'll be 10 months old by the time she arrives in America.

So, if Mary and Joseph have a baby girl named Sophie is that proof that Jesus was female AND jewish? I hope so. Mazeltov!

Why do you act that way?

Disappointments this week:

FreeCycle -- Jess40258 why haven't you picked up that thing you said you wanted? I'm waiting!

Painter Pricilla -- god you are slow, and not even that good. Please, please, please will you finish with the bathroom so we can pay you and never see you again, please?

St. Joseph's Orphan's Picnic and DrunkFest -- I know, I know it's for the orphans and it's a Louisville tradition but the drunks left 11 bottles and cans in my yard last night and the hooting "Hey Buffy, c'mon over here so I can kiss ya!" went on until daylight (nah, probably 2 a.m.) and I think my property value dropped about 10 points because of you.

Birdslaughter

I think I killed a baby bird.

It was an accident (of course) that happened when I dumped about a gallon of water in the spider plant on my porch. I forget to water it for days and then I think I can make up for my neglect by giving it LOTS of water. Lucky for me, spider plants are forgiving. I haven't killed the plant -- yet.

When the water splashed in two tiny birdies popped up shaking their feathers and chirping wildly as if to say "whatsamattayou! trying to kill us or what?" One of them popped out of the plant and landed on the floor of the porch. It looked like it had learned to fly a little bit (I'm rationalizing aren't I?) so I didn't try to rescue it. It hopped around the porch a little (I'm sure it was in shock) and I went back inside.

The next morning the bird wasn't on the porch anymore. In my preferred version of the end of this story, the birdie flew back up into the nest to join her sibling. On the other hand, it could have been eaten by that wild neighbor cat. Or starved to death.

Or this whole incident could be a metaphor for raising teenagers who will soon be washed out of their nest -- to fly, starve or to be eaten. Either way, I'm to blame.

Consuming ...

Books:
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows by J.K. Rowling
Animal, Vegetable, Mineral by Barbara Kingsolver

TV:
Saving Grace on TNT
Mad Men on AMC
Simon Schama's Power of Art on PBS

Food:
New Pasta of the Week (this week's recipe, now for the third time)
Fresh mozarella, garden tomatoes, basil, balsamic vinegar, olive oil
Copper River Salmon (we now have 8 lbs in our freezer)

I'm awake now

What sort of bird makes a sound like a ringing phone? And what does this bird look like? And can I borrow your BB gun? I need it to whack a bird. The one that chirps very loudly at 6:30 a.m. on the weekend.

And who taught my cat how to tell time? And why does this very-old-and-dear-to my-family cat begin howling to be fed when I'm not up at what she considers to be the appointed time on the weekend?

Going places. Going nowhere.

I spent last weekend mostly doing things that OTHER PEOPLE wanted me to do. When they wanted to do it. Which is to say not when I wanted to. But I did it anyway.

I need to scream now.

Between the hours of 6 p.m. Saturday and 10 p.m. Sunday I drove more than 150 miles. I know this because I reset the trip meter after I filled up the tank.

I did not take a pleasant drive in the country. I just drove around town. Taking people places. Picking people up from places. People who prefer not to travel on the expressway. Driving to the ends of the earth to restaurants that were closed for vacation.

I was not on vacation. I would like a vacation. I would like to take a pleasant drive in the country.

I want to go now.

Too busy to blog

1. Impulsively bought a tree for the backyard
2. Rearranged some furniture
3. Cleared out closets and bookshelves
4. Celebrated Babycakes' birthday (paella)
5. Celebrated again (pasta)
6. Celebrated again (brownies)
7. Made THE list of house improvements wanted/needed

Happy birthday

Today is my sister's birthday. It is also her daughter's birthday. They both read this blog (and sometimes comment) but they aren't reading it today because they're both in Las Vegas. We were invited to go to Las Vegas too but for a number of VERY GOOD reasons we decided not to go this time.

Anyway, happy birthday girls! Play the slots for me please.

Craig's list rocks

I sold my old BROKEN camera through Craig's List. For $20. In three days. Did I mention it was BROKEN?

(Now looking around the house for other garbage to sell.)

Craig's List rocks.

I'll give you the moon and stars ...

Babycakes and I talk a lot about simplifying our life and getting rid of "stuff." You know, those things that just sit on the shelf or hang in the closet. (Do I need to own not one, but two, vintage furs? Of course not.)

This is easier said than done. I love unclutter because of the way they unflinchingly write: you don't need this crap.

But Babycakes is having her birthday (June 28) and once again she is groaning about not wanting things for gifts ("Oy vey, please no tsatskes") so I must produce the perfect present that does not need dusting.

I need a new camera

I've been without a working camera for a week now and I can't decide what I want to buy. I loved having a small, point-and-shoot camera because it was so easy to carry around. Should I get another? If so, which one?

On the other hand, should I invest in a digital SLR (single lens reflex)? My very first camera was just like the one pictured here but by age 12 I was using a manual Nikon and developing my own film.

Tell me what cameras I should consider.

Pay me

My June horoscope promises lots of money in my future. It says:

"... a fat commission, prize, inheritance, bonus, or as venture capital infusion or a loan, insurance payout, a court or child support settlement, or as a scholarship ..."

Maybe I should try to sell that screenplay -- no wait! It isn't written yet. Inheritance? Not likely. Bonus? Not from my job!

I guess that means that everyone (yes dear readers, this includes YOU) should give me money. Or at least tell me where I should look for this promised windfall.

Can he cook or what?

When I got home last night I found Jeremy in our pantry, pulling out jars of roasted peppers and containers of couscous. He'd already been in the refrigerator and the freezer. On the table were frozen tilapia, frozen peas, garlic, parmesan cheese, lemons, yellow and red peppers and a zucchini.

Twenty minutes later while the garlic and parmesan crusted tilapia were in the oven and the veggie couscous was finished he went back into the pantry for a can of red beans and whipped up a bean and roasted pepper cold salad with garlic/citrus dressing because, he said "I had an extra five minutes."

All I had to do was refill the pepper mill and pour myself a glass of wine.

Jeremy is best-friends-forever with the oldest child in the house. I hope she keeps him.

(Apologies for no photos of the chef and his feast. Alas, my Sony Cybershot went cyber-kaput a few days ago.)

Blackcat!!!

[Poetry inspired by the InKY Board Retreat last weekend]

BLACKCAT!!!
by Lynnelle Edwards


Blackcat!!
Feral malething among
we women, and you with your
cateyes, and
catpaws, what
do you know of poetry

of life?

Blackcat!!
How your purrbox rumbles
while your claws outreach into my
hotleg, and
barearm, what
do you want of this coven

this night?

And we dream of white kittens.

And we dream of white kittens.

I was tagged so I have to ...

The Trap Door got me. Tagged me by name. Now I gots to answer these:

What were you doing 10 years ago?
My kids were 10 and 6 then so I'm sure I was in the car.

What were you doing one year ago?
Worrying. About life. About work. About family.

Five snacks you enjoy:
Vanilla ice cream
Strawberry ice cream
Chocolate ice cream
Any other flavor ice cream
Chocolate syrup

Five songs that you know all the lyrics to:
"Doe, a deer" - from Sound of Music
"Henry the Eighth" - by Herman's Hermits
"Stairway to Heaven" - by Led Zeppelin
"Symphony for the Devil" - by the Rolling Stones
"Louie Louie" - by the Kingsmen (just kidding, nobody knows the words to "Louie Louie")

Five things you would do if you were a millionaire:
Start a foundation
Give gifts to my family and friends
Travel the world
Feel guilty
Buy stuff

Five bad habits:
Giving unwanted advice
Sleeping late on Saturdays
Martinis, very dry
Watching trash TV
Being lazy

Five things you like doing:
Giving unwanted advice
Sleeping late on Saturdays
Martinis, very dry
Watching trash TV
Being lazy

Five things you would never wear again:
Underwear that doesn't fit
Anything plaid
A hairnet
A prom dress
Bubble wrap (don't ask)

Five favorite toys:
Babycakes
Cocktail shaker and other barware
DVR ("Stop and rewind live TV!")
iPod and iTunes
Computers

I've decided not to tag anyone but y'all feel free to do this if you want.

Have you read "The Golden Compass"?

Learn more about the book and the upcoming movie.

I've been yelping

I know I haven't blogged in a while. Sorry. I've been yelping.

I think I'm addicted.

The blueberries are dead!

" ... After the 80 degree days the blueberry bushes began to bloom. And then 7 nights of subfreezing temperatures damaged most all blossoms. We have experienced nearly a 100% crop loss. We do not expect to be open for picking this year. Watch for further updates as we assess the damage ..."

This is terrible news for blueberry-heads like me.

The boy becomes an eagle scout

I don't understand Boy Scouts but I love my son.

For the past 10 years he's been a scout. At first I thought it was all about the uniform but it turns out that he loved the camping and getting merit badges and now he's an EAGLE. He got a special pin and a plaque and a framed certificate and letters of congratulations from politicians and a U.S. flag that flew over the capitol at his ceremony last week.

There were two kinds of barbeque served -- pork and venison -- and a decorated cake. It was a good time.

Jack, I'm proud of you.

Peeps

Apologies all around for not posting about Easter or Passover this year. Sorry. We were heathens.

Let me try to make it up to you:

-- Peeps for Passover

-- Yellow Dress

-- Peep on Peep Violence

What do YOU like to do with Peeps?

Rules for the bathroom

In the bathroom at work today I was shocked to see an open Sprite can on the sink. Its owner was in the bathroom too. I knew this because I could hear her humming an Abba song in the third stall.

Doesn't that violate the number one bathroom rule? Food isn't allowed in the bathroom. Ever.

Coffee cup on the sink? Never. I won't even allow myself to soak in the tub with a glass of wine (although they do that on TV all the time).

What has this world come to?

Best falafel in town

This was a serious competition. We'd invited 12 women to choose the best Middle Eastern restaurant in Louisville.

The food was assembled on my dining room table. Each dish had a number rather than a restaurant name. That way we couldn't play favorites.

We tasted falafel. And tasted hummus. And tahini salads. Some of us tasted hot sauce. All of the pita bread came from Al Watan's bakery.

Then we voted. The winners were (thanks Kelly):

Falafel: Al Watan, 3713 Klondike Lane (also best hot sauce)
Hummus: Pita Delites, 1616 Grinstead Drive
Tahini Salad: Pita Delites, 1616 Grinstead Drive

We tasted items from these restaurants too:
Safier Mediterranean Deli, 641 S. Fourth St. (third-place hummus)
Marrakech, 1001 Bardstown Road (second-place falafel)
The Grape Leaf, 2217 Frankfort Ave.
Shiraz, Frankfort Ave.

So, what's your favorite?

I think it's spring ...

Today I saw a forsythia blooming along the freeway. In my world, that means it's spring. I don't care what the calendar says. I don't care if it snows tomorrow.

Yellow blossoms = spring. Don't argue with me.

This backyard needs landscaping help

Would you like to landscape my yard? As you can see, it needs everything.

Are there any contests I can enter? Any students who need experience? Someone who wants a community garden project?

This yard is hideous and needs your help.

How to be a good host

Good friends are like old socks. They're comfortable, familiar and look good with jeans.

At least that was what we had in mind when we decided to invite folks over for dinner Saturday night. We wanted it to be easy. And we didn't want to have to clean the bathroom.

So Babycakes got on the phone to invite "the socks." Only she said we were inviting all of our "dirty sock" friends.

Yeah, there's a big difference.

True confessions

Ever had one of those days when you needed to get some things off your chest? Well this is one of them for me.

1) If you were driving behind me yesterday, yes, I DID deliberately block you. It pisses me off when you know that the lane is ending soon because you drive this way every day like me. And even though the traffic is backed up because it's rush hour, you STILL try to swoop around on the right to get ahead of me instead of merging left like the sign says. I'm sorry but I hate that.

2) While I don't think I actually called you crazy out loud I was thinking it and you probably picked up on that. And yes, I did raise my voice during our phone call yesterday. And no, I haven't decided to add you to the "worst client in the western hemisphere" list yet but I am still considering it.

3) I'm a judgemental, opinionated, loud-mouthed bitch. There I said it. It's taken me years to develop this well-honed skill. The next time I act like that around you, just walk away. Don't worry about hurting my feelings. I'm not even aware that I might be hurting yours.

4) I am Anna Nicole's baby's daddy. I couldn't keep this to myself any longer. Call me when I can come by to pick up the baby and the money.

Keep your germs to yourself

I'd like to thank the person(s) who shared their sore throat/coughing/runny nose germs with me this week. I started feeling sick on Wednesday and it's gotten progressively worse.

Today I'm at home on the couch catching up on all of the CSI episodes I've missed lately.

Send soup.

I think I need to know this

Help me learn to pronounce the name of the President of Iran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

Who knew?

You know the Bible 80%!

 

Wow! You are truly a student of the Bible! Some of the questions were difficult, but they didn't slow you down! You know the books, the characters, the events . . . Very impressive!

Ultimate Bible Quiz
Create MySpace Quizzes

I did not cheat. I swear to God. I didn't.

Who you callin' a pygmy, chimp?

With a free afternoon in San Diego last week I did what any sane Kentuckian would do in January -- I spent it outdoors in the sunshine. I went to the zoo.

There I learned that this world-renowned zoo, famous for its collection of monkeys and apes, LIES TO VISITORS. There is no such thing as a pygmy chimp. The real name for the animal they have is bonobo. Bonobos are no more related to chimpanzees than humans.

I learned all of this when I asked a man for directions. I held out my map, pointed to the icon marked "pygmy chimps" and asked "How do I get here?"

"You are here!" he shouted. "These are bonobos. There's no such thing as a pygmy chimp."

"But the map says ..." I tried to say.

"Well, let me explain it to you," the man began.

Forty minutes into the lecture I told him, "Thank you but I need to get over to the tortoises before the zoo closes," and escaped.

The bonobos were cute. They looked just like little chimps.

Scrubbing bubbles

Since the oldest child started college this semester (could you please choose some classes that don't require 13 books?) we've had to analyze our spending habits.

Eating out - less frequent
New carpeting - delayed
Backyard landscaping - not this season
Flat screen TV - dream on baby

But nothing else compares to the major sacrifice of:

Cleaning service - fired

What this means, of course, is that I spent the morning cleaning the bathtub. And I feel I need to share this experience with you.

No matter what product I use, or how much elbow grease I employ, I still see dirt on those non-skid strips on the bottom of the tub.

While I very much appreciate the bathtub industry for caring so much about my welfare (because if I fell in the shower I'd break my right hip and crush my wrist and everyone in my life would suffer right along with me, I promise) I do not enjoy sharing my bath with millions of dead skin cells embedded in the sandpapery surface on the bottom of the tub.

Why is it that professional house cleaners can handle this challenge and I cannot? It is a conspiracy?

Top Bully

Over at Eek's place she has a very funny post about the shaved-head episode of Top Chef (I especially like how she referred to the cooks as 'cheftestants').

But what she doesn't mention is how disturbing it is to watch some of the cooks (yes, I'm talking about YOU Ilan and Cliff) bully Marcel. "Mean Chefs" is more like it. It's gotten way out of hand.

Wikipedia says: "Bullying involves the tormenting of others through verbal harassment, physical assault, or other more subtle methods of coercion such as manipulation."


If we were in middle school we could all see why Marcel would get picked on. But why has the show decided to focus on this behavior? It's crass and not at all entertaining. I feel bad for Marcel. (Note to producers: Human interaction under stress is fascinating. Allowing your contestants to do THAT [won't spoil it] is not.) At least some of the judges are also disturbed by this.

(Sigh) I'm still hoping that Elia will stop falling apart long enough to win the title of Top Chef for this season. Cliff, Ilan and Sam: I have lost all respect for you guys.

Today I went to Costco for the first time

This was all new to me. I usually shop at my neighborhood grocery where the distance between the produce and dairy departments is about 12 feet and you can barely get your cart down the aisle. Costco's shopping carts are larger than my car. They have to be. Every item there is sold in incredibly large sizes or packed in multiples.

I don't know about you but I am not accustomed to purchasing 10 pound containers of dishwasher detergent and 36-can cases of Mountain Dew. ("Honey, let's get the 72 oz tube of KY 'cause it's only $1.49 here at Costco.")

I bought a one-year membership but I don't think I'll need to go back that soon. This trip I bought 14 tubes of toothpaste, 120 cans of tuna, three gallons of mayonnaise, and a bushel of Cheerios. The package containing 75 rolls of toilet paper was just too big for my car.

Gravity leaking

Somewhere between the odd smell they detected today in Manhattan and the fortune I got in a cookie not so long ago I find I've developed a mild case of anxiety.

Like the not-distinct odor and the un-fortune, I can't really describe what this is, but it's troubling all the same. I'm not sure if there's anything to be worried about, but I have started preparing, just in case.

It's just that I don't feel quite ... prepared. I feel as if there's a test coming up for which I've forgotten to study. Or that I've finally noticed the shoe almost ready to drop. I'm certain that a quiet day can easily incubate a tragic storm.

If you don't hear from me, you can assume the worst. But if blogging is allowed in the underworld, I'll let you know.

20 Questions

Play this game. It really can read your mind.

New year, new look

I upgraded my Blogger account and decided to switch templates for the time being. As soon as my account clears the queue, I'll be able to use all of the promised new features.

You say you want a resolution?

Instead of New Year's Resolutions for myself, this year I've decided to make some for everyone else.

For the children: Cut down on the drama
For Babycakes: Learn to cook like an Israeli (use the new cookbook)
For my friends: Party on. Invite me, I'll come with a bottle of wine
For my employer: Give everyone an office with a window
For my coworkers: Read my mind
For my fellow bloggers: Write like you mean it
For my readers: Leave part of yourself behind - comment!