Wednesday, April 26, 2006

No, I won't introduce you to the drug dealers

Yes, I'd be happy to tell you more about my neighbors.

First off, those people in the house with the unkempt lawn probably are NOT drug dealers. I just said that. However, one of them wears dreadlocks which I think is, like, code, for "I smoke pot" and so I guess they are way too busy to mow the lawn or fix the gutters.

Across the street is where Mary and Joseph live. Those aren't their real names but he attends Baptist seminary (I'm pretty sure that SHE is not a seminarian unless she's majoring in "wife" because as we all know women aren't fit for ministry) so that's what Babycakes decided to call them. They hung a large American flag on their porch the day after we hung Tibeten Prayer Flags on ours, because they pray to the American God and we are ... well ... not saved.

Next to us is the HOUSE WITH THE POOL. You might think that we go over there to swim but you'd be wrong. They like to listen to Jimmy Buffet while they swim. And there are hygiene issues. Private pools and private hot tubs are just breeding grounds for all sorts of germy infections that itch. I'm not getting in there. Not with those people.

Then there's "Mr. Man" who we think is retired CIA. Or maybe he was a Navy Seal. We don't know his real name either but we're pretty sure that our phone is tapped and that our house is under constant surveilance. He walks a very ugly English bulldog and owns an old pickup truck and the latest model Ford Mustang convertable. When we put a "Peace is Patriotic" sign in our yard he put TWO "Support Our Troops" signs in his. That showed us, yessiree.

There's a house for sale down the block. Why don't you buy it? We'll give you a nickname ...

6 comments:

MsHellion said...

I would have to know my nickname before buying the house. It could effect the purchase price.

mk99 said...

Too funny. We too have names for our neighbors because well, then there is no mistake to whom we are referring.

We have "wife beaters". No he doesn't to my knowledge, but he does wear the cliche undershirt. Yes out in public.

We have PCs. In not very politically correct fashion, my husband named them that because they are of the pentecostal, dress-wearing, bun-donning faith. They have a homemade recycle cart. My husband called it the Pentecostal Cart and thus PC was born.

We also have "toy boy". He just has every large, gas-powered, energy sucking toy a man could own.

Then there are "fat-****ers". Need I say more.

Lastly we have Vern. No his name isn't Vern, but he looks like Jim Varney (may he rest in peace) so we named him Vern. Hey Vern!

Anonymous said...

We have a neighbor, Dr. Steve that we think murdered his first wife....and his girlfriend. We had proof (g/f's car stored in garage for months and other mysterious things)until g/f showed up. Oh well, guess we're not quite Wysteria Ln.

dottcomments said...

MsHellion: I'd have to observe you in your natural neighbor-habitat before the nickname could reveal itself. Your red truck and two dogs would be a real factor.

mk99: Y'all are just as bad as we are! I'm kind of relieved we don't live on your street 'cause I can just imagine what you'd call us.

Anon: Murder! I must know more about Dr. Steve! Hey, wasn't he the Lt. Governor a while back?

Dr. Chingasa said...

We're lucky to only have a two real neighbors. One is just Quiet Lady Next door, who is by far the greatest non-intervening neighbor I've ever had, despite numerous parties, a Halloween inspired front porch fire, and me going berserk every report card time. The second is Palestinian Leaf Blower Guy, who although I admire his entrepreneurship (he used to own a great gyro shop) and activism (he's at a lot of the Louisville peace/antiwar events, his leaf blowing obsession moved him back to the dark side for me.

OH - and BTW, yes, I would like to join your Inappropriate Lawn Maintenance Noise Vigilante Gang. We gotta come up with a gang/hand signal for Crescent Hill (CH) so we can signal that we will go CH style on their asses, yo.

han-gnar-kill said...

the kid across the street is a year older than me, wears dreads, but doesn't smoke or participate in any kind of mind-altering substance. he gets paid money to go skateboard in other cities. his dad works waaayyyy too many hours in a week and is never home. so. yes.