Thursday, March 31, 2005

In case there's any doubt about the matter

When it is clear that I can no longer recognize and respond to my friends and family I DO NOT WANT life support (including ANY SORT OF feeding mechanism, tubes or whatever they invent next), take NO heroic measures to keep me alive, DONATE any organ I have that would be useful in another human or for scientific research, and CREMATE my remains.

If you don't, I swear to god and goddess that I will return and haunt you until you are so miserable that you take your own life.

Just so we're clear about this.

Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Parting shots

My desk and my conscience are clear. I'm leaving on a jet plane tomorrow. I might come back.

While I'm away (you know who you are):

- Please be nice to the new employees. We want them to like us.
- Don't forget the kitty litter. While we're at it, don't forget the cat.
- Solve it yourself. I'm not there to ask. You know what to do.
- Miss me. Deeply, utterly, terribly. I'd do the same if I were in your place.

Monday, March 28, 2005

L Word

The new "pretty" women (Carmen and Helena) on the "L Word" are nice but I wish they'd add some ordinary looking lesbians.

And who besides me thinks that Helena is a baby cannibal? She doesn't like Tina, she's just after the baby!

Sunday, March 27, 2005

March Madness

This is a basketball.

Apparently, it's used in a sport played in college and they have tournaments every spring to determine who is the baddest of them all.

I think it will be the University of Louisville this year.

Really, I don't have a clue about sports. But when I came into the TV room yesterday, babycakes was watching THE GAME and I sat down and ... two fucking hours later I was a basketball fan.

See, Louisville was losing throughout the entire game. But in the last minute they tied the other team and the game went into overtime. And then they won.

That's basketball.

God save the Queen

She can't wait to see me.

I'm leaving for England in a few days so I thought I'd post a few pre-trip thoughts.

- I feel sorry for Prince Charles
- I was/am a slut for stories or photos of the late Princess Di.
- I worry that London will look like Disney World because I've never seen buildings that old in person.

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

So I just totally stole this photo from DOOCE

This is a stolen photo.

I love the idea of this shirt because really, everything is material for the blog.

Beware of what you say or do. It could show up here in a slightly altered form. Yeah, I might change your name to something your friends won't recognize. Or I might not.

And for those of you who haven't heard of her yet, go visit DOOCE for yourself.

Here's a challenge: Tell me why you think I answered the way I did

The "stick" is a kind of weird chain letter whereby some other blogger passes this list of questions on to you to answer. So go ahead, tell me. Why do you think I answered the way I did? Because it is all about me. You didn't know that?

You're stuck inside Fahrenheit 451, which book do you want to be?
Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep by Philip K. Dick. (Bladerunner was based on this.)

Have you ever had a crush on a fictional character?
Yes indeed I certainly have. Lara Croft, the Tomb Raider. In fact, I'm thinking of her now ...

Last book you bought is: The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand. On Ms. Hellion's suggestion.

Last book you read is:
The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. I'll never be good. I don't know why I even try to read these self-help quasi-spiritual books.

What are you currently reading? Mrs. Dalloway by Virginia Wolfe. It's taking me an awfully long time. Can that woman write a run-on sentence or what?

5 books I would take to a deserted island:
Out of Africa by Isak Dinesen
Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver
The Dollmaker by Harriet Arnow
How Things Work: The Physics of Everyday Life by Louis Bloomfield
The Bible (King James Version)

... and I pass this stick on to Thommy!

Yes, there WILL be a quiz

My friends link to their friends' blogs. I now "know" people I don't know.

Some of these same people I know also link to people they don't know but they like their blogs anyway.

It's always nice when people link back but sometimes they don't. Is there a rule about this that I should know about?

Comments are dangerous. This I've learned.

Then there's the Dooce factor, i.e., never blog about work. But what if you change all the names and places? Is it okay then? If so, I've got some stories.

Should I be talking about real people with their real names in my blog? Or am I only supposed to do that if I'm mad at them or if they already use their real names on their blogs?

Thursday, March 17, 2005

Really, it's gotten out of hand

Now that I'm 50:

- I can't read blogs with black backgrounds
- I can't drink more than two martinis without feeling bad the next day
- My knees make funny creaky noises when I climb the stairs
- Hair grows where it shouldn't
- My tolerance for FM Radio DJs is gone

Monday, March 14, 2005

Why we blog

I've been telling stories all my life. Sometimes I write them down and show them to people but mostly I just tell them. All the time. Every day.

People who know me are nodding their heads right now. Sometimes I just won't shut up. Even when I should. I just go on and start telling another story.

Most of the stories are true. Mostly. Well, they started out to be true and then they became funny or meaningful or sad and the whole truth slips away a bit to reveal the funny bit ... or the sad part.

The characters are real but the names have been changed. Or the names are real and the characters are composites. My children aren't really that wild but they do say some pretty funny things. Just not all on the same day.

Except one the day the boy-child said this (and I wrote it down verbatim and kept it because it was so perfect): "I don't believe in heaven or hell. When I die I'm going to Pittsburgh to play the saxophone."

Really. It's true.

Kitty cocaine

The cute cartoon character cats on the colorful packages lured us. "Awwww, look how cute? Won't Moe just love these?"



I still remember the day she saw the first package of ... Whisker Lickin's.

First it was just recreational. But it didn't take long for her to learn to do tricks for the tiny morsels.

Now the cat has turned to a life of crime. Begging, stealing, and now violence. Anyone who enters the kitchen is threatened. First she wraps herself around our feet in an attempt to steer us (or maybe trip us). If that doesn't work, she resorts to biting.

Moe is an addict. I feel I'm to blame.


"Please help me kick the habit." 

Friday, March 11, 2005

Cantors on Broadway

Last night, babycakes and I accompanied the Ella-in-Law to a musical revue at one of the local synagogues.

The show was billed as 350 years of Jewish music and featured local and imported cantors singing their hearts out.

I was enchanted. And I never even liked showtunes before babycakes introduced me to musical theatre. Now, I'm hooked. The best number of the night was "What is this Feeling?" from the broadway show "Wicked".

No, I didn't wear the Shiksa pearls, but Ella looked tastefully regal in an all-black ensemble. (I hope I look that great at 80!)

Monday, March 7, 2005

I have to go read now

Earlier today I posted a list of 100 movies and now it's time for the books ... thanks Carrie, for the inspiration.


A title in BOLD means I haven't read it yet (but I will, really) and * means I love this book and recommend it highly.

The list is Random House's List of 100 Best Novels, the Board's List.


1. ULYSSES by James Joyce
2. THE GREAT GATSBY by F. Scott Fitzgerald *
3. A PORTRAIT OF THE ARTIST AS A YOUNG MAN by James Joyce
4. LOLITA by Vladimir Nabokov
5. BRAVE NEW WORLD by Aldous Huxley
6. THE SOUND AND THE FURY by William Faulkner
7. CATCH-22 by Joseph Heller
8. DARKNESS AT NOON by Arthur Koestler
9. SONS AND LOVERS by D.H. Lawrence
10. THE GRAPES OF WRATH by John Steinbeck *
11. UNDER THE VOLCANO by Malcolm Lowry
12. THE WAY OF ALL FLESH by Samuel Butler
13. 1984 by George Orwell
14. I, CLAUDIUS by Robert Graves (does Masterpiece Theatre count?)
15. TO THE LIGHTHOUSE by Virginia Woolf
16. AN AMERICAN TRAGEDY by Theodore Dreiser *
17. THE HEART IS A LONELY HUNTER by Carson McCullers
18. SLAUGHTERHOUSE-FIVE by Kurt Vonnegut
19. INVISIBLE MAN by Ralph Ellison
20. NATIVE SON by Richard Wright *
21. HENDERSON THE RAIN KING by Saul Bellow
22. APPOINTMENT IN SAMARRA by John O'Hara
23. U.S.A. (trilogy) by John Dos Passos (shouldn't this count as three?)
24. WINESBURG, OHIO by Sherwood Anderson
25. A PASSAGE TO INDIA by E.M. Forster (I saw the movie ...)
26. THE WINGS OF THE DOVE by Henry James
27. THE AMBASSADORS by Henry James
28. TENDER IS THE NIGHT by F. Scott Fitzgerald
29. THE STUDS LONIGAN TRILOGY by James T. Farrell
30. THE GOOD SOLDIER by Ford Madox Ford

31. ANIMAL FARM by George Orwell
32. THE GOLDEN BOWL by Henry James
33. SISTER CARRIE by Theodore Dreiser *
34. A HANDFUL OF DUST by Evelyn Waugh
35. AS I LAY DYING by William Faulkner *
36. ALL THE KING'S MEN by Robert Penn Warren
37. THE BRIDGE OF SAN LUIS REY by Thornton Wilder
38. HOWARDS END by E.M. Forster
39. GO TELL IT ON THE MOUNTAIN by James Baldwin
40. THE HEART OF THE MATTER by Graham Greene

41. LORD OF THE FLIES by William Golding
42. DELIVERANCE by James Dickey
43. A DANCE TO THE MUSIC OF TIME (series) by Anthony Powell
44. POINT COUNTER POINT by Aldous Huxley
45. THE SUN ALSO RISES by Ernest Hemingway
46. THE SECRET AGENT by Joseph Conrad
47. NOSTROMO by Joseph Conrad

48. THE RAINBOW by D.H. Lawrence
49. WOMEN IN LOVE by D.H. Lawrence *
50. TROPIC OF CANCER by Henry Miller
51. THE NAKED AND THE DEAD by Norman Mailer
52. PORTNOY'S COMPLAINT by Philip Roth
53. PALE FIRE by Vladimir Nabokov
54. LIGHT IN AUGUST by William Faulkner

55. ON THE ROAD by Jack Kerouac *
56. THE MALTESE FALCON by Dashiell Hammett (does the movie count?)
57. PARADE'S END by Ford Madox Ford
58. THE AGE OF INNOCENCE by Edith Wharton
59. ZULEIKA DOBSON by Max Beerbohm
60. THE MOVIEGOER by Walker Percy
61. DEATH COMES FOR THE ARCHBISHOP by Willa Cather
62. FROM HERE TO ETERNITY by James Jones
63. THE WAPSHOT CHRONICLES by John Cheever

64. THE CATCHER IN THE RYE by J.D. Salinger
65. A CLOCKWORK ORANGE by Anthony Burgess (does the movie count?)
66. OF HUMAN BONDAGE by W. Somerset Maugham (again, the movie, yes)
67. HEART OF DARKNESS by Joseph Conrad
68. MAIN STREET by Sinclair Lewis
69. THE HOUSE OF MIRTH by Edith Wharton

70. THE ALEXANDRIA QUARTET by Lawrence Durell (this should count for four)*
71. A HIGH WIND IN JAMAICA by Richard Hughes
72. A HOUSE FOR MR BISWAS by V.S. Naipaul

73. THE DAY OF THE LOCUST by Nathanael West *
74. A FAREWELL TO ARMS by Ernest Hemingway
75. SCOOP by Evelyn Waugh
76. THE PRIME OF MISS JEAN BRODIE by Muriel Spark

77. FINNEGANS WAKE by James Joyce
78. KIM by Rudyard Kipling
79. A ROOM WITH A VIEW by E.M. Forster
80. BRIDESHEAD REVISITED by Evelyn Waugh (Masterpiece Theatre again)
81. THE ADVENTURES OF AUGIE MARCH by Saul Bellow
82. ANGLE OF REPOSE by Wallace Stegner

83. A BEND IN THE RIVER by V.S. Naipaul *
84. THE DEATH OF THE HEART by Elizabeth Bowen
85. LORD JIM by Joseph Conrad

86. RAGTIME by E.L. Doctorow
87. THE OLD WIVES' TALE by Arnold Bennett
88. THE CALL OF THE WILD by Jack London
89. LOVING by Henry Green
90. MIDNIGHT'S CHILDREN by Salman Rushdie

91. TOBACCO ROAD by Erskine Caldwell
92. IRONWEED by William Kennedy
93. THE MAGUS by John Fowles
94. WIDE SARGASSO SEA by Jean Rhys
95. UNDER THE NET by Iris Murdoch
96. SOPHIE'S CHOICE by William Styron
(yes, the movie)
97. THE SHELTERING SKY by Paul Bowles
98. THE POSTMAN ALWAYS RINGS TWICE by James M. Cain
99. THE GINGER MAN by J.P. Donleavy

100. THE MAGNIFICENT AMBERSONS by Booth Tarkington

I'm 94 out of 100

How many have you seen? The titles in BOLD are the only ones I'm missing. This is from the AFI's 100 Greatest American Movies list.

1. CITIZEN KANE (1941)
2. CASABLANCA (1942)
3. THE GODFATHER (1972)
4. GONE WITH THE WIND (1939)
5. LAWRENCE OF ARABIA (1962)
6. THE WIZARD OF OZ (1939)
7. THE GRADUATE (1967)
8. ON THE WATERFRONT (1954)
9. SCHINDLER'S LIST (1993)
10. SINGIN' IN THE RAIN (1952)
11. IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE (1946)
12. SUNSET BOULEVARD (1950)
13. THE BRIDGE ON THE RIVER KWAI (1957)
14. SOME LIKE IT HOT (1959)
15. STAR WARS (1977)
16. ALL ABOUT EVE (1950)
17. THE AFRICAN QUEEN (1951)
18. PSYCHO (1960)
19. CHINATOWN (1974)
20. ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO'S NEST (1975)
21. THE GRAPES OF WRATH (1940)
22. 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY (1968)
23. THE MALTESE FALCON (1941)
24. RAGING BULL (1980)
25. E.T. THE EXTRA-TERRESTRIAL (1982)
26. DR. STRANGELOVE (1964)
27. BONNIE AND CLYDE (1967)
28. APOCALYPSE NOW (1979)
29. MR. SMITH GOES TO WASHINGTON (1939)
30. THE TREASURE OF THE SIERRA MADRE (1948)
31. ANNIE HALL (1977)
32. THE GODFATHER PART II (1974)
33. HIGH NOON (1952)
34. TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD (1962)
35. IT HAPPENED ONE NIGHT (1934)
36. MIDNIGHT COWBOY (1969)
37. THE BEST YEARS OF OUR LIVES (1946)
38. DOUBLE INDEMNITY (1944)
39. DOCTOR ZHIVAGO (1965)
40. NORTH BY NORTHWEST (1959)
41. WEST SIDE STORY (1961)
42. REAR WINDOW (1954)
43. KING KONG (1933)
44. THE BIRTH OF A NATION (1915)
45. A STREETCAR NAMED DESIRE (1951)
46. A CLOCKWORK ORANGE (1971)
47. TAXI DRIVER (1976)
48. JAWS (1975)
49. SNOW WHITE AND THE SEVEN DWARFS (1937)
50. BUTCH CASSIDY AND THE SUNDANCE KID (1969)
51. THE PHILADELPHIA STORY (1940)
52. FROM HERE TO ETERNITY (1953)
53. AMADEUS (1984)
54. ALL QUIET ON THE WESTERN FRONT (1930)
55. THE SOUND OF MUSIC (1965)
56. M*A*S*H (1970)
57. THE THIRD MAN (1949)
58. FANTASIA (1940)
59. REBEL WITHOUT A CAUSE (1955)
60. RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK (1981)
61. VERTIGO (1958)
62. TOOTSIE (1982)
63. STAGECOACH (1939)
64. CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND (1977)
65. THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS (1991)
66. NETWORK (1976)
67. THE MANCHURIAN CANDIDATE (1962)
68. AN AMERICAN IN PARIS (1951)
69. SHANE (1953)
70. THE FRENCH CONNECTION (1971)
71. FORREST GUMP (1994)
72. BEN-HUR (1959)
73. WUTHERING HEIGHTS (1939)
74. THE GOLD RUSH (1925)
75. DANCES WITH WOLVES (1990)
76. CITY LIGHTS (1931)
77. AMERICAN GRAFFITI (1973)
78. ROCKY (1976)
79. THE DEER HUNTER (1978)
80. THE WILD BUNCH (1969)
81. MODERN TIMES (1936)
82. GIANT (1956)
83. PLATOON (1986)
84. FARGO (1996)
85. DUCK SOUP (1933)
86. MUTINY ON THE BOUNTY (1935)
87. FRANKENSTEIN (1931)
88. EASY RIDER (1969)
89. PATTON (1970)
90. THE JAZZ SINGER (1927)
91. MY FAIR LADY (1964)
92. A PLACE IN THE SUN (1951)
93. THE APARTMENT (1960)
94. GOODFELLAS (1990)
95. PULP FICTION (1994)
96. THE SEARCHERS (1956)
97. BRINGING UP BABY (1938)
98. UNFORGIVEN (1992)
99. GUESS WHO'S COMING TO DINNER (1967)
100. YANKEE DOODLE DANDY (1942)

Friday, March 4, 2005

Fish on Fridays

So far this week I have:

1) Registered my son at a Catholic high school
2) Admitted to having been Catholic once
3) Turned down an invitation to attend a Catholic Fish Fry
4) Told someone I used to be a bad Catholic but now I'm a bad Unitarian. He asked, "What? Did you vote Republican?"
5) Given up Lent for Lent